True Happiness in Relationships

 by J. Benjamin Stevens

The great mythical romances and love songs of our culture have conditioned us to believe that we must have a romantic partner in order to be happy. According to this mythology, we can never be truly happy until we have found our 'soul mate.' In reality there are several problems with this line of thinking. If you are depending on someone else for your happiness, what happens when that person goes away? If you are depending on someone else for your happiness, how long will it be before they get tired of bearing the responsibility for your emotional wellbeing? If you are depending on someone else for your happiness, how will you ever learn to be responsible for your own happiness?

It has been said that before you can love another, you must first learn to love yourself. You cannot force anyone else to be happy; likewise, nobody else can be responsible for your own happiness. True happiness must come from within.

If you are relying on another for your emotional wellbeing, yet you haven't learned to love yourself first, a cycle is set up that can destroy the relationship. The thought process of this cycle goes something like this:

"My partner says he/she loves me, but I don't love myself. How can my partner love me when I can't even love myself? If my partner cannot see that I am unlovable, then there must be something wrong with my partner. Why should I be in a relationship with a flawed partner?"

Groucho Marx once said that he wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have him as a member. This is the same dynamic that is at work in relationships where you haven't yet learned to love yourself. Another way to look at it is, "Why should anybody else love me if I'm not willing to love myself?"

How do you learn to love yourself? The first step is in learning to be non-judgmental with yourself. The power of forgiveness is a very powerful thing, but it is often true that the most difficult person to
forgive is yourself. If there are things you'd like to change about yourself, first start by accepting that these things are a part of you, and that's okay. One of the paradoxes of change is that the more we accept ourselves as we are, the easier it becomes to change ourselves.

Once you have completed the journey to loving yourself, then and only then will you be ready to share that love and happiness with another person.

So the ideal relationship is not one in which two people come together to make each other happy. The ideal relationship is one in which two people who have learned to find their own inner happiness come together to share that joy with each other. 

For more information on these matters, please call our office at 305 548 5020.

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