By Scott David Stewart

Whose Home for the Holidays? Flexibility is Key to Workable Child Custody Arrangements

Holidays are a stressful time for many people, but for couples in the process of divorce or who have recently divorced, stress can take on new meaning. Busy schedules and travel plans may be doubly conflicted. And past disagreements about religious or family traditions may be magnified. Needless to say, none of this will help children have a happy holiday.

In an article in the Huffington Post, family therapist Marie Hartwell-Walker says flexibility is the key to a stress-free season (okay, maybe not stress free, but certainly less stressed). She offers this advice to parents.

• Be flexible about dates: Yes, you have a child custody agreement that says you have your child on this date at this time, but if out-of-town ex-relatives suddenly decide to visit, do you really want to say your child can't see them? You might be better off taking a deep breath and choosing to be flexible with dates. Your child will have a much more enjoyable time with you and his or her other parent if the two of you can work together to accommodate changed circumstances. Focus on your children's experience and know that whether they see you on the 24^th or the 25^th is not as important as being happy when you are together. (On the other hand, if your ex makes a habit of asking you to give up your time, sticking to that legal agreement may be essential.)
• Be flexible about traditions: Your former spouse may have been the driving force with past family activities and now you feel a bit adrift. Rather than worrying about keeping everything the same, acknowledge that there will be some changes and introduce some new, fun activities into your holiday. But do try to provide continuity as well.
• Be flexible about who is included in celebrations: If you are just getting divorced, sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with the ex may be too much to ask, but as time goes by you may find your holiday table can stretch to include all the grandparents or your children's favorite aunts and uncles. Think about the important people in your child's life. Their relationship to you may have changed, but their relationship to your child has not. There is no law that says you can't invite them over on Christmas.

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