Straight or gay, responsible parenting is needed

Over the weekend there were articles in both the Guardian and Sunday
Times about the Court of Appeal case I highlighted last week regarding
the lesbian couple who are in dispute with their 'donor' over access
to a child created between them (No Legislating for Feelings 7th
February ).  Charlie Condou in the Family section of The Guardian uses
his column to pour scorn on the apparent lack of thought that went
into the agreement that was made between the women concerned and their
donor, who according to the Sunday Times, was the gay ex-husband of
one of the women.   Condou himself has two children with his gay
partner Cameron and Catherine, a single, straight friend whom the men
had about two years of discussion with before going ahead with trying
to conceive.  As Condou says, "The mothers did not choose an anonymous
sperm donor – presumably because they wanted their child to know who
his father was – they chose a friend.  A friend who was present at his
son's birth and who has been active in his life.  He is a father, and
they, as mothers, don't have a right to put a limit on how he
expresses that, whatever they think they agreed over a bottle of wine.
 The child has a father who loves him and wants to be in his life, and
the child has every right to that relationship."  In fact it's all to
do with relationships and really nothing to do with sexuality.

Giles Hattersley in the Sunday Times talks to Alison Burt a solicitor
with a family law firm that is seeing an increasing number of
difficult and upsetting situations occurring with complicated and
un-thought out parenting arrangements.  Sam Dick, head of policy at
Stonewall advocates that gay and lesbian parents when seeking someone
of the opposite sex to help them have a child, have a long 'dating'
period where they get to know each other very well before deciding to
go ahead.  Condou is adamant that everyone must understand to the
letter what the term 'involvement' means.   All interviewees agree
that  "Until you have a child you have no idea of the intensity of
emotions that rise" and that everyone has to be as prepared as they
possibly can be to reconsider arrangements and compromise in the
interests of the child.  This being something the women in the current
case seem very reluctant to do.

In the meantime the lovely Elizabeth Marquardt asks Do Mothers Matter?
in this weekend's edition of The Atlantic.  I hesitate to mention her
as each time I criticise this woman armies of her supporters come out
of the woodwork to post their strongly held views about what I have to
say.  But I can't let this pass.

In the article Marquardt starts by proposing that not having a mother
was, until recently, widely regarded to be a tragedy.  She then goes
on to list ways in which children have historically been separated
from their mother and how painful this is for mother and child.  And
of course no-one would disagree that any forced separation between
parent and child where there has been a bond of love and attachment is
something to be avoided at all possible cost.  The argument then moves
from one where mother and child are separated to that of egg donation
and surrogacy where the parents are gay men and two women, neither of
them intending to be mothers, helped them to have a child.  This is a
new form of family not in the conventional heterosexual mould – yet
another way in which what we mean by family is evolving in the modern
world – but lesbian couples have been having children together for a
long time now and research shows that their children do very well.  No
father present there, unless they have chosen to co-parent.

Is there something special about a woman that makes her more likely to
be missed than a man in the family?  I don't think so.  Men cannot
breast feed but they can be equally nurturing and supportive of their
children, providing warmth and comfort as well as boundaries and
boisterous play.  I'm not dismissing the positive roles that both a
father and a mother can play in children's lives but same sex couples
are likely to bring a range of qualities to their parenting that
fulfil the needs their children have.  Heterosexual parents who are
left on their own with children find that they develop the qualities
that the other parent used to bring.  Not having a man or a woman in
the house does not necessarily mean that children are missing
anything.

Marquardt's underlying position is always that anything other than a
heterosexual couple family with children conceived with their own
gametes, is inevitably damaging for children.  Donors are viewed as
'parents' who have given up their children to be raised by others and
non-genetically connected parents are raising 'other people's
children'.  In her methodologically flawed study My Daddy's Name is
Donor and quoted in the Atlantic article, she shockingly claims that
"Compared to their peers raised by biological parents, sperm-donor
conceived persons are more likely to struggle with delinquency,
addiction and depression."  Whilst she has every right to her views on
the way in which families are changing, Marquardt has no right to make
such statements about donor conceived people in general.

To return to the questions raised at the beginning of this post, it is
vital that men and women, straight and gay, understand what they are
doing when they bring children into the world.  Adult relationships
may be evolving but children's needs for love, nurture and security do
not change.  I believe these needs can be met by same sex as well as
heterosexual couples, those who are not genetically connected to a
child as well as those who are.  Mums and dads (in same or different
sex couples) are those people who are there for their children day in
and day out.  Donors are important too but in a different way.  They
are not parents who have abandoned their children but contributors of
a vital ingredient of life.  They deserve thanks, recognition for
their gift and (hopefully) their willingness to make a connection with
a young person who needs to know more about them.  Mature responsible
parents; mature, responsible donors.  Happy children.

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